“Your gut feeling is always right – no exceptions”.
Last week I said it was going to get heavy and it is. Get ready for a long read.
Last week I brought up the topic of bullying because it has been such a huge part of my life.
This week I’m bringing you back to when I was a young teenager. 13 to be exact.
All of the kids were at that stage where it was cool for girls to kiss boys and hold hands. I wasn’t. Just the thought of it terrified me. I’ve kissed girls and done more before in secret and loved it. But being in a small country town you can’t say at a young age that you had gay experiences without being bullied and at that stage I couldn’t handle more torment. One of my friends lost her virginity at the age of twelve and was with the same guy still, she loved him and she encouraged others to follow suit.
I was peer pressured into getting a boyfriend. They made me kiss him and hold hands. I cried for days after that and eventually broke up with him. He was a nice guy and was very kind about it, thankfully.
After that the pressure was worse. I was called frigid because I wouldn’t explore my sexuality with males. I wanted the pressure to end so I gave in and hooked up with a boy at the school social. Finally the people in my social group left me alone for a while.
A girl that I used to hang out with randomly showed up at my house. It was a pleasant surprise. I started hanging out with her and her friend all the time. We had a lot of fun times. Then they started talking about sex.
They had both lost their virginity and thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. They encouraged me to do it. I didn’t want to but at the same time I knew I wouldn’t fit in if I kept fooling around with my secret child hood girl friend. My friends and I started doing more rebellious things. Sneaking out of the house and running a muck. It was so fun.
Time passes and our little crew just continues to do its thing. Then I met him. For the sake of this blog remaining anonymous I’ll just call him JT. I met JT on MSN which was an online messenger back in the day.
JT was the coolest guy. He dropped out of school, had house parties, went to doofs. He is the definition of a dero but for teenagers he was adored for being so rebellious. JT was 17. We messaged for a long time talking about life, sports, love. I had a real connection with him.
He invited me to a sporting field where a bunch of kids were getting drunk. A friend came with me. When we got there I recognised some girls from school there drinking. I had a drink but it wasn’t really my thing, I was just happy to be out at night and seeing JT. He invited my friend and I back to his place.
Please keep in mind I’m going to shorten this part of the story and you’ll see why.
We were in his room with my friend and 2 of his friends. He started hooking up with me. I thought I should kiss him back because I don’t want to be seen as frigid. This went on for a while. The light go out and we’re under the blankets. That’s when I felt his fingers go under my underwear and inside of me. I’m scared but then remember my past conversations with friends. This is what is suppose to happen for me to break free from the frigid comments and be like the rest of the kids at school. It wasn’t pleasant. In fact it reminded me of my uncle and I hated it, but I still went along with it.
JT takes me to another room away from everyone else. Away from my friend. I feel extremely uncomfortable. He’s not the guy I thought he was. He just wants to do naughty things and I’ve had enough.
We stop and play the xbox for a while, get up to eat cereal, listen to music. Then he starts talking about sex. He tells me if we have sex he can drive me around town, to the beach, the movies, hang out and do stuff like couples do. At this point I’m thinking that I’m exchanging sex for a relationship, I’m wondering if that’s how grown up relationships work. He insists that it’s okay and pretty standard stuff for people.
This paragraph makes me uncomfortable so I’ll be short.
He lays me on his friends futon couch, it’s unfolded. As soon as he takes my pants off I freak out and ask him to take me home. He said he’ll only take me home if we have sex (Our homes were close but it’s in a high crime area so I don’t want to walk alone). I agreed, with tears rolling down my face. As soon as he put his penis inside me I felt this horrible, horrible pain. I ask him to stop, he says no. I beg him, again he says no. I try to push him off me but he pins me down. I’m crying and asking for help, asking for my mum. He covers my mouth. I’m in pain and scared of him and what is happening. Is this really how sex is supposed to be? When he finishes he lays beside me. I ask him to take me home and he refuses, saying his too tired.
I grab my pants, put them on and try to run out of his house but my legs are shaking. His friends see me and laugh at me. I’m in shock but I just want to get out. I stagger home, feeling my cold bare feet on the pathway, crawl inside my bedroom window, have a shower then go back to bed. Moments later my dad comes in with breakfast and Milo. I burst out into tears when he leaves because that is what love feels like, unlike what JT did.
At 13 years, 4 months and 16 days old I was raped. At this point I didn’t know it was rape though.
I told my friend I had sex then it travelled like wild fire through the school. A lot of people didn’t believe me. The ones that did applauded me for taking the next step. At least the rumour of me being gay stopped.
I tried contacting JT but he wouldn’t respond. I tried through MSN, phone and even going to his house. What happened to the grand plans he had in store for me? Why is he ghosting me? I thought he loved me? Wasn’t pinning me down against my will and having sex without my consent love?
Months pass and I give up on trying. I’m beating myself up because I’m thinking the experience wasn’t good for him and that it’s my fault.
I landed a job at a fast food shop just before my 14 birthday.
The girls in the shop are exchanging stories of how they lost their virginity and laughing. When I tell them my story they’re in shock. They told me that it’s not okay and what happened to me is called rape. They explain what rape is and why it isn’t okay. I’m shocked by what they had to say. My gut feeling was right to say it was wrong. It made me want to hug my mum and dad and stay in their presence forever.
JT raped me. He took what was meant to be sacred away from me.
From my previous post you’d see that I dropped out of school from the bullying, health and mental health issues. I was too scared to leave the house outside of working.
I was too scared to see him again.
I couldn’t report it to the police because no one would believe it was JT the cool kid.
My mental health deteriorates and I end up being case managed by community mental health. I tell them some issues and it helps a lot. But I can’t tell them about the real issue that haunts me because they have a right to contact the police.
I guess I’m fucked.
When I look back at my life I realise the brave thing to do would have been contacting the police and telling my parents, charging that piece of shit and getting the right help.
I guess I couldn’t speak up because of the experience I had with my uncle. I guess some of us are just meant to experience hell before we even get there.
To this day I still haven’t sat on a futon couch.
After writing this I decided to stalk JTs Facebook page to see what his life is like. He is still a dero loser dating younger females because he can’t be with a more mature woman. He doesn’t even have a job. I definitely have a better life nowadays. No more suffering at the hands of rapists like him.
See you next week.