“And just like the moon, we must go through phases of emptiness to feel full again”.
Today was a pretty rough week. I didn’t completely give away everything in my Instagram and Facebook posts this week but I experienced a great deal of hypomania. That and my dearest friend who I consider family was assaulted. Her story is not mine to tell. I know she needs to process and heal. I also know that she reads my blog each week and even though I have already told her this I just want to say publicly that I love you so much. There is strength within you and you will find your way back to who you once were. For now, just heal.
Last week I wrote about how I was raped and how I didn’t know at the time what rape was. It was a touchy subject for me because it was from a man that should have known better and took advantage of a young girl who was barely even a teenager. He paved the way for what was next to come. Can’t just blame him either, my uncle was also at fault for what was a head in my life.
Being sexually assaulted, especially as a child, puts you at a much higher risk of being assaulted again. Re-Victimisation isn’t exclusive to Rape. It includes all types of assault. Physical, emotional, financial, sexual, domestic violence, you name it and it will more than likely happen again to that victim.
I had a rough road ahead and as a teenager I didn’t know then what I know now. I also didn’t have the same help and resources that I have now. I can say that what happened to me gave me the experience to help others.
After the experience I had with “JT” as mentioned in my last post my world spiralled out of control and fast.
I was being heavily bullied at school, no friends to defend me. My family was being tormented at home having kids do things to the house or lingering around the house for things to steal or to look thug like monitoring our moves.
My mental health deteriorated and I stopped eating. I was so unwell physically and mentally that I was deemed unfit for school so I was home schooled with tutoring at the neighbourhood centre a couple of times a week.
I did what I could to protect my family but it wasn’t enough. 1 against 4 doesn’t make it a fair fight. People that once were my friends were making up rumours about me and they spread like wild fire. None of it was true but no one ever came up to ask me what the truth was. They painted me to be a drug and alcohol filled harlot. Seriously, I was only a child, I was a sober Sally confined to my house or the mental health unit (on the occasional admission), I’d hardly call myself any of those things. Never the less teenagers love someone they can go against and I was the target.
It didn’t help that I had put a strain on my family. Given how we were raised in a cultural setting I was raised to look after the family as I was the female and the youngest. As a teenager I didn’t want that, I wanted to be like the other kids. My mum was violent. She would strike me if I did something wrong or manipulate me into doing things that I didn’t want to do or caused me distress or discomfort.
I can’t blame my mum for her behaviour. She had a pretty fucked up life and never had help. She did what she thought mothers do. She loved me but she also wanted to always have control over me. As a hormonal teenager I wasn’t going to let that happen.
I could spend days locked up in my room with pills to overdose on and razors to mutilate my skin just to escape her and the rumours being spread about me. She would tell me to hurry up and kill myself, slit my wrists etc. She even went to the point of calling me a mistake. It was definitely a strained relationship.
It’s not all her fault. I had serious behavioural issues, I was diagnosed as manic depressant. I couldn’t tell any of the mental health professionals my history of abuse out of fear that my parents who I’m supposed to protect would find out. It’s hard living with a crazy person let alone a mother daughter Duo.
I had a relationship with a boy that only lasted a couple of months. I didn’t love him, he was manipulative, lazy and narcissistic. I only started going out with him for the sake of having a partner. We had nothing in common. I broke it off and he still lingered. But then he turned against me. Me approached the man (known as JT) and befriended him. JT denied the allegations I made against him and my ex of course believed him! My ex then decided to band together with some guys and my old school friends to start more rumours.
I was spiralling out of control. The rumours had really gotten to me. At this stage I had allegedly slept with over 20 men, taken a heap of illicit substances and run wild.
You want to call me a slut? Well fuck it, I’ll be a slut. Fuck you all.
I decided to get on MSN and message random people. Men, women, I didn’t care I just wanted to see who would respond and accept sex from a minor.
It wasn’t hard for men to take up the offer. In this town there were a lot of paedophiles and predators about.
I slept with a couple and I didn’t like it. I pretended to but I didn’t like it.
I had this empty whole that needed to be filled. Since JT I felt like if I wasn’t having sex with someone I wasn’t being loved and receiving what I thought at the time was affection. So if I wasn’t having sex I was cutting up my skin with razors.
I started having sex with women and enjoyed it a lot more than with men. I’d still mix it up and sleep with men occasionally but some would become attached and want to be with me. I didn’t want that. I had zero desire to love when I didn’t know what love even was at that stage. So I’d sleep with their friends to break their hearts.
Not all sex was consensual either. Some guys heard about me from the rumours, would befriend me and hang out for a bit until they got my trust. Then they would pin me down and rape me and tell all their friends they got to sleep with me.
I would say about 8 more men raped me and I was pressured into sleeping with several more. When I say pressured they would insist on having sex and I would do it even though I really didn’t want to but would go a head so to not piss them off or violently rape me like the others did.
Women were different, it was a fun time with them. They were softer, more gentle. I had an actual attraction to women. I would have loved to have been with a woman but the stigma around being gay was high and I didn’t need more negative attention drawn to me.
I’ll leave it at that for the week. My friend who I mentioned at the beginning needs me so this post needs to be cut short.
See you next week.