Welcome to Week 8.
As always, if you are new to my personal blog please start reading from the introduction or week 1 then make your way through.
*trigger warning* this week, like the previous weeks contains trauma. Please read at your own risk and contact your local mental health service or mental health professionals.
Last week was another rough week. I’ve had people messaging me through ABDs Instagram for a lending ear, advice and just to chat to someone they can relate to. My content is mostly mental health on Instagram (which I will eventually cover in this blog) so a lot of people can relate.
A lot of people relate to domestic violence as well through all forms of it.
I’m going to just make a start because the sooner I write the sooner I finish this chapter of my life.
He took control of everything. My body, my mind. The things he would say to haunt me stained my brain. My mind was a battlefield and I was on the losing team.
Throughout the duration of my relationship with FW I would dissociate a lot. Fading away into my own mind, staring at walls or into the far distance, I created a world in my mind that would take me far away from the present. In this special part of my mind I would be safe whilst enduring trauma. FW was smart, if he saw me dissociating when abusing me, he would do whatever he could to bring me back and face the trauma. At least I experienced a safe space, even if it only were for a while.
When FW wasn’t around, I experienced a great deal of psychosis. I didn’t know what was real and what was not. I couldn’t separate my dreams or nightmares from reality. I thought I killed my family to protect them, thought FW killed them sometimes too. I thought I died and was experiencing the afterlife. I could be pushed off a cliff or chased down and still be in my bed at the same time. I think there was only so much that my brain could take.
Despite all of this, all of the trauma, all of the mental health issues, all of the never-ending suffering; something beautiful came along.
My niece. She was tiny and beautiful and perfect. My mother arranged for her to be in my care. I was only 17 but mum saw a perfect fit. I’m so glad she did.
I started spending more time at home with my niece. She was only 6 months old when she came to me and our bond was strong. I never thought I’d love anyone as much, if not more, than I loved my dog. But then this beautiful baby came along. She gave me purpose. A reason to wake up of a morning. I gave her endless love and attention.
My niece was my everything. We went everywhere together.
She saw FW outside of my home a few times and the way he interacted with her infuriated me. He didn’t bring harm to her but I knew how quickly he could have. That’s why he only saw her out of my house a few times. I couldn’t have her near him knowing what he could do.
My niece was my reason for existing so I couldn’t have what happened to me happen to her too.
I made a decision.
It was around 4 or so months until I’d turn 18 so I decided to start breaking down the relationship with FW. The grown ass man who ruined my teen years.
I became a fighter again. My niece lifted my spirits and I knew my way out was because of her. I would fight for my life because of her.
FW didn’t see a submissive little girl any more. I would taunt him with the fact that I could legally report him soon. I couldn’t care less when he would hurt me because I knew there was a finish line. He could threaten and harm me all he wanted but he knew there would come a time where he couldn’t and that time was coming up.
I watched a relationship professional who changed my life for the better. He advised that the best way to get over someone was to cut them out of your life and mind completely. So, when I wasn’t with FW that’s what I did. If he called or texted, I’d ignore it. If he popped up in my brain, I’d prompt myself to believe he was nothing and have no feelings toward him and think of something else immediately. It took some time but eventually my mind was well trained. Outside of having to physically see him, when he wasn’t around, he didn’t have a hold on me. I had zero feelings or emotions towards him other than he was and meant nothing to me.
I was back on track and I had a plan.
I would get my license and become as independent as I could with my niece, report FW to the police and live happily ever after.
FW became scared and he showed it. His threats were falling on deaf ears. He was losing his power. This made him madder and the abuse worse but I knew it was only temporary. I knew the day would come that it would eventually end.
I kept FW away from my niece at all costs. She was my precious baby girl and I wasn’t going to let anything happen to her.
I enjoyed spending time at home with her. The relationship with my family started mending. My dad told me how much he missed me and we all became so much closer. I didn’t tell them what FW had done and was continuing to do to me, I wouldn’t dare to. I was just thankful that for the first time in many years we could all converse and have a good time.
The finishing line was in sight. Only about a month away and I couldn’t wait. I was sick of the torture from FW so I cut our time short.
I seduced two heavies, told them my story and they guaranteed my protection. I told FW in a very lengthy message what would happen to him if he harmed me again. He was scared as hell. Finally, for the last time we had broken up. And we were staying broken up.
Now I could focus more time on my family.
It was great but it wasn’t perfect. FW was still lingering because he knew I wasn’t 18 yet. And despite the 2 heavies protecting me I knew that wouldn’t stop FW from getting one last bit of abuse in.
We agreed to be civil with each other but that didn’t last long. He’d abuse me while I was driving, steal my cigarettes. Do whatever he could to get at me without laying a hand on me. Loser.
I started reconnecting with a female friend and a couple of guys. They all knew FW but knew we were broken up for good so we all became closer.
I finally turned 18. I felt this huge relief come over me. I could drive myself around, buy my own smokes, be with my family and hang out with whoever I wanted to.
FW became very upset and started harassing me over the phone. I’d get approx 300 calls a day and 180 messages. I got over that pretty quickly so I went to the police. The police went to FW house and told him to stop.
FW apologised to me for the calls and texts. He was genuinely shocked that I contacted the police. I had the power now. He was still in the background but only just. The reason for this was because I knew if I reported everything to the police my family would be at risk again.
It was like old times again, I was hanging out with friends, seeing people, getting to know new people. I loved life.
Just like old times, people would fall for me and ask me to run away or be with them and I’d say no.
I didn’t want to be with anyone! I had my freedom! Best of all I had my family back!
I knew they wouldn’t be safe for as long as I was in town though. FW had a large family and connections. I knew my time was limited so I enjoyed it while I could.
So I made another life changing decision.
The love for my family was strong and as much as it broke my heart, I knew I had to go in order to protect them.
So, there you have it. My hell with FW summarized over a few weeks.
The first time I had to write about him was the first time I cried in many years over what he had done. Now I can confidently say that the time I have taken to write has helped in my road to healing.
I couldn’t ever forgive what he had done to myself or my family and I certainly won’t forget. But I can say is that I acknowledge what has happened and I can move on with peace in my heart.
I often wondered what I would do if I saw him again. If you asked me 6 years ago, I’d be a wreck. But now I do believe I have the strength to calmly walk away. He is nothing, just a pathetic, unwell man who lost his power when he lost me.
I wouldn’t know if he was in a relationship with another woman, doing to her what he did to me. If he were, I could only pray that she is strong enough like me to walk away.
Domestic violence is no joke. 1 woman dies each week in Australia from it. I could have very easily been part of that statistic.
If you’re living in Australia and are suffering from domestic violence there are ways out. Call DV Connect, speak to a counsellor or family centre. I’m proof that there is life afterwards and it does eventually get better with time.
Thank you for reading.
See you next week.