“crying isn’t a sign of weakness. We cry as soon as we’re born. It is a sign that you are living.”
Welcome to week 10! And life post trauma. Remember if you’re new to my blog please start from week 1.
The first couple of years of finally being free were quite the roller coaster ride. I’ll summarise it as best I can.
I have to say I’m really excited that talking about the trauma is pretty much over. I feel better for letting it out so openly. Some people know who I am and I’m at peace with that because they finally know the real me and the real struggles I faced.
I’m in a much better place now in comparison to before but we’ll get to that later.
So, let’s begin.
I finally found a place of my own. I was in debt up to my eye balls and could only just afford the rent. My friends donated their furniture to me because I couldn’t afford any. I was so grateful.
When I finally settled in everything hit me at once. For the first time in over 7 years I was alone with my thoughts. So, I cried. I cried for hours. Then hours turned into days. I finally had the well overdue “me” time needed to gather my thoughts and reflect upon everything that has happened to me. I was alone and I really needed it. But it came with a price.
My mental health deteriorated severely. I fell in and out of psychosis. I was too scared to even sleep in my room, even with my pet there. The lights were constantly blown out and I was seeing a little girl who would attack me in bed. I thought the place was haunted. I reached out to my friends and psychiatrist. My friends gave me crystals, smudge sticks and cleansing sprays. My psychiatrist changed my medication in the hopes of keeping me out of hospital. I was surviving but only just.
My diet didn’t help either. After paying for rent and bills I only had money on my food card to get meals to split over several days.
I was gaining weight from my mental health medication and was malnourished from small poor meals.
My landlord was awful, she was scamming the government and me plus walking into my granny flat unannounced whenever she felt like it. She was a pathological liar and harassed me daily.
I didn’t feel safe. I felt unsafe because of my landlord and my mental health.
Over six months I lost my sanity. I had finally broken. But I also found the strength to get up and fight.
My friend helped me find a new place but it was undergoing renovations so I couldn’t move in immediately.
I patiently waited. The new landlords had the fresh granny flat in a state that could hold my furniture but I couldn’t stay in it just yet.
I got into an argument with my current landlord at the time and threatened to call the police and report her scamming government benefits to Centrelink. So my stay was finally over there. I was relieved but also worried because I didn’t have a place to stay.
I went to visit my father but it was flooding. I was trapped on the highway for 21 hours. When the rescue team came my friend gave me shelter.
She then offered to take me in until the new flats renovations were completed. It was a sigh of relief.
My friends saved the day and helped me move all of my furniture out of the old granny flat and into the new one. They helped me clean and pack and everything. They are truly the most remarkable people I have ever met. To be so kind and caring. To do so much for someone who wasn’t in a good place really meant so much to me. More than I could express.
I stayed with my friend for a while but I also spent time living out of my car which had its own challenges. At least I was free though.
The time came to officially move into the new place. It had a calm sense about it. My landlords were so kind and were just really great people. I didn’t tell them I was mentally ill or my history of abuse out of fear that they would kick me out. Looking back at it now I don’t think they would because they have such a helping nature.
It was time to heal. With the help of my friends, psychiatrist and psychologist I got on top of my mental health.
I started seeing people again. Women. Women from all walks of life and all shapes and sizes. I loved it. It really boosted my confidence. I was on tinder 24/7 and going out on dates. The dates kept me fed and anything else was a bonus. I saw some men but they were a bit too creepy for my liking. And some women were too needy. I loved having the freedom to do what I wanted but to also be alone when I needed it.
I took on a new role, still working in mental health but with a different organisation. I needed the money.
It was sad saying goodbye to the best workplace I had ever been in but change is always good.
The new workplace was good, I had to disclose some of my trauma to my manager to ensure I wouldn’t work with predators or perpetrator’s. My colleagues were rough around the edges and I liked that.
I liked keeping to myself but made a couple of friends.
I was invited to a house party hosted by one of my colleagues.
They were shocked to see me in a dress as I usually dress like a tomboy. Everyone was pleasant but one woman really stood out.
She preferred women, just like me. I worked with her but we never really spoke until that night.
It might have been the drinks and banter that got me but she certainly had my interest.
We were flirting so hard that by the end of the night she pushed me into the bushes before getting into a taxi.
The next day she sends me a message and we just hit it off instantly.
I took her on a date and everything went so well that we continued to see each other. We ended up dating exclusively. This didn’t go down well with the other women I was seeing. But I didn’t care.
I wasn’t looking for a relationship because the single life felt so right for me. But with everything this woman was doing to make me hers I just couldn’t resist.
Let’s call her PP.
I had strong feelings for PP. I couldn’t pin point what those feelings were because I hadn’t felt them before. All I knew was that I wanted to be with her, every second of every day. We would laugh endlessly and really enjoyed each other’s company. I disclosed my history to her and she was so accepting of it. I even disclosed my mental health and all she wanted to do was support me.
I should also add that in between this I had to learn by a female physiotherapist, gynaecologist and psychologist how to have sex on the receiving end and enjoy it. PP helped me with the exercises and for the first time I could enjoy pain free, pleasurable sex! This was a win.
After almost 6 months we finally made it official but agreed it was set in stone since the party where we first got together.
I consulted a friend, my psychologist and my psychiatrist about my feelings and what was wrong with me. Their answers were all the same. I’m in love! Wow! LOVE! No way, that’s a feeling I haven’t felt before. Well who better to love than this woman. I would then tell her all day, every day with so much joy.
Fast forward a couple of years and we are now happily engaged, saving for her dream wedding.
I won’t go into full detail about our lives as I would like to respect my partners privacy.
I won’t lie, our relationship has definitely suffered hardship and we have had a lot of learning moments but we stuck it out and I couldn’t love anyone more than I love her.
In between all of that I time I’ve had several melt downs, been on every antipsychotic and mood stabiliser and benzo you can prescribe and had probably 12 different jobs. I’m also bankrupt now.
Fast forward to now and I’m happy, engaged to a beautiful woman, have a strong relationship with my family, still working in the mental health sector and still receiving help for my mental health issues. I have a lot of physical health issues too which I will cover in other posts but I’m seeking treatment for them.
I am a free woman. I know who I am now and I find out fun little things about myself along the way.
I’m studying to help others who have similar circumstances and would also like to help refugees.
I can’t naturally conceive but I do hope to have kids some day.
My mental health has its own wacky journey. I have Bipolar 1, PTSD, Panic Disorder, OCPD and anxiety. Despite the diagnosis I’m still able to live a functional life and work in amazing roles.
It has been freeing telling my story. Thank you so much for reading. I have now acknowledged my past and can move forward with ease. I’m okay now. I’m even smiling as I write this.
I would like to thank each and every single one of the beautiful souls who have helped me on this journey. Without your help I don’t know where I would be. You have truly fed my soul. I couldn’t be more grateful. For an unlucky gal I was pretty lucky to stumble across you all.
Stay tuned for weekly posts relating to my story such as health and well-being, mental health, medication and the stories of others.