Welcome to week 13.
If you’re new to my blog and would like to know more about me, read weeks 1 – 10. It covers my history of abuse and more. Or if you just want to read a quick post then this is fine also
Nothing is ever easy. Life is hard but finding the beauty in it is what makes life worth living, right?
I’m just going to write what I have been thinking about this last week.
So, I watch a lot of shows and movies that have trauma in it. For me I watch it because I can relate to it and it helps me express my emotions. Specifically over the past 2 days I binge watched a TV show full of triggers. Am I obsessed with crime, trauma, survival and redemption? Of course! I and many are proof that there’s life after abuse. Plus I grew up in low socio so crime was my life. Is it unhealthy for someone with a history of being severely abused to watch such shows, docos and movies? Probably. But that’s how my brain is wired.
Trauma doesn’t affect people in one standard way. What you do after the traumatic event won’t always be the same as what others do. Everyone has a different set of skills for survival.
I dealt with trauma in several different ways through different times in my life.
My brain was forever re-wiring, my personality and social skills changing and my mental health making a huge impact.
So, in the spirit of all things trauma, let me talk to you about some of my responses to it through different events. As stated earlier, you can read about my life from weeks 1 – 10 before continuing or you can just continue.
1. I’m a piece of shit.
2. I deserve to die.
3. I’m going to starve myself and develop an eating disorder.
4. I’m going to mutilate my body and leave scars.
5. I’m going to sleep with people to numb the pain.
6. I don’t belong on this earth.
7. What did I do to deserve this?
8. Life will never change.
9. I’m going to attempt hanging myself.
10. I’m going to take as many pills as I can.
11. Suffering is all I know.
12. I have no one to talk to. I’m isolated.
13. I don’t have a home or a safe place where I can find refuge.
Now I will give you my reasons and skills for surviving through the 21 years of abuse:
1. Manipulating people to get what I needed to survive.
2. Sleeping with people to get what I needed.
3. Fighting people to survive.
4. Training my brain to erase people and the feelings associated with them.
5. My brain pushing me to continue moving forward.
6. Dissociating and finding a safe place in my mind to escape to.
7. Separating reality from psychosis.
8. Regaining control over my body by working out.
9. Questioning my thoughts after trauma.
10. Addressing my triggers.
11. Taking medication to rewire my brain.
12. Finding resources to help.
13. Adrenalin constantly running through my body, ready to take on what comes next.
But, life after trauma wasn’t easy. After my domestic violent relationship, I told myself I would never live in fear again. But then I was sexually assaulted 2 years later by my former partner. The fear came back in a different way. I now suffer from hypoparanoia, Panic disorder and anxiety and my psychiatrist and I agree it all comes from fear.
Trauma will always remain. How you choose to let it define you or affect you is really up to you.
For me, time passing helped a lot, along with counselling and medication. My blog summarizing my life also helped a great deal. It took a huge weight off my shoulders.
I still have triggers but can address most of them.
I still get thoughts, nightmares and memories but I don’t let them over rule me.
To be fair, I’ve only been abuse-free for 4 years. I still have a long way to go but I think of it as a phoenix rising from the ashes to reclaim its place on this earth.
For the first time in a very long time I have the will to live. I have goals that I want to accomplish and I’m surrounded by people that love me. I don’t have many friends but that doesn’t bother me because I have the love of family and my partner.
Like my brain always says – keep moving forward.
Thanks for reading.
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See you next week.