Week 16

Photo taken by me in Australia

Welcome to week 16!

My brain has been scrambled this week so, I’m going to write about it.

If you’ve read my story (weeks 1 – 10) then you’ve read about the significant amount of trauma I endured.

Now you can read about how my brain has processed this past week.

It will probably be scrambled but hey, that’s my brain.

I’m running off broken sleep and just feel like either running a marathon (even though I don’t run) or taking heavy medication like I used to so I can have a dead sleep.

Anyway… I have been put on a new med schedule and it has improved my anxiety by 90% which is great! But, my paranoia is still existent – not back to the stage of hyperparanoia again but still, paranoia none the less.

I’m a spiritual person and believe that I can see, sense, feel and hear spirits. Even when I see good spirits, I interpret them as bad because of my anxiety and trauma.

So, I used to see a psychic medium that would cleanse me and bring back my energy. Moneys been tight since I started studying again so I have gone without her assistant by using essential oils in the interim.

I have also just started seeing a clinical psychologist who believes in spirits and the sixth sense.
I love it because she gets me but what I don’t love is that it goes against the grain of my psychiatrist and my partners beliefs. Don’t get me wrong they both support my spiritual side but they don’t want me to interpret my delusions, hallucinations and paranoia to be part of it. It’s a fine line to separate them.

My new psychologist believes I may be extra sensitive to my 6th sense and to learn about my chakra and healing etc.

The problem is, I’m paranoid in my house as it is. It has been better since my medium cleansed the house but now that I’m feeding into my spiritual side, I’m having a lot of self talks about what is my paranoia and what is my senses.

Fuck….

On top of that I’m also a huge believer in dooms day. A post-apocalyptic world whether it be from the climate, zombies, viruses, anything.

I’m so stuck on thinking about what I need to survive the end of the world that my mind doesn’t really think of much else.

I’m often left zoning out during drives with my partner thinking of potential scenarios for the end of the world and how I can protect my family.

Is it my trauma that makes me feel and think about the end of the world? Because I have been obsessed since I was younger. A world where you’re constantly fighting to survive. Sort of like how I fought to survive for 21 years.

Am I crazy for seeing a new shrink that could set back my mental health? Or will she help heal in a spiritual way?

Am I crazy for always focusing on worse case scenarios? Am I still fighting in my mind even though I’m now physically abuse free?

Feel free to answer. Or don’t.

Anyway, that’s my week.

See you next week.

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