Week 17

Photo taken by me in Australia

Welcome to week 17.

As said in my video blog, I apologise for not posting this past week.

It’s been pretty rough.

White Ribbon Day is coming up soon leaving me quite triggered.

My hyper paranoia is next level lately.

I guess I’m just anxious about hosting events this year to raise awareness about domestic violence.

If you have read my story (weeks 1 – 10) then you would see my reasons why.

So, yes, my hyper paranoia has cranked up a notch and left me feeling helpless. I feel helpless because it’s all in my mind and I can’t escape it.

It doesn’t matter where I go, I don’t feel safe.

I see someone scoping the house and listening to what I’m doing, looking through windows and finding a way to break in.

I see someone in another part of the house waiting for me to go into that room so they can attack me (usually with a knife – main trigger) and the attack is brutal.

I see someone stalking me when I’m in public, following me and waiting for the chance to bring me down as soon as I’m not around people.

It’s all real, and yet it isn’t.

It’s all in my mind and I can’t shut it out.

As I’m writing this my partner is sleeping.

She doesn’t know this but up until a few minutes ago I was holding her, crying because I’m suffering.

I’m too scared to go to the kitchen to make a coffee in case that man is there waiting for me.

Then it occurred to me as I started writing… ITS NOT REAL! There’s no man there! Or is there? Fuck…

All of these delusions over what I believe must be about white ribbon day.

Welcome to mental illness, folks!

I’ll write again when I’m feeling better. For now I’m not okay and I need help, so I will seek it.

I may not write again next week because of this but just know that I am here, I am present, I just need to address certain “issues”.

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